Am I too insecure to be a blogger?

Friday, 14 April 2017

On Wednesday night, my photographer sent me over this week's blog post photos. I was hit with a wave of heat through my body as I scrolled through the images and profusely hated the way I looked in each image. My weight, the way my awkward body posed and my stupid round face. Every negative slur a 20-year-old could possibly call herself, it ran through my head. I slammed down the lid of my laptop and in a simplified version, threw a tantrum. Why couldn't be like everyone other blogger I see online, naturally slim, candid and seemingly just a "cool girl"?

I know you're probably thinking. If you hated your appearance that much, why would you make the conscience decision to started blogging? And yes, yes I hear you. To answer your blogger query, well, I thought the only hobby I've ever had- fashion, would overrule any insecurities I'd had about myself miraculously and I would suddenly look amazing in each outfit I ever found myself in for the rest of my blogging days. In retrospect, it was a stupid thought. But when I started the process it truly did, I was genuinely so excited about getting to do something I assumed I would never ever do, because of my insecurities that I almost blinded by excitement that I was actually getting it done.

I woke up Thursday morning, after having my image based breakdown, as I do every time (it's not an uncommon occurrence) but this time having more clarity than usual. Blogging is, the first thing in a long time, if ever,  that I feel genuinely passionate about. And i'm not going to let my body insecurities end an oppurtunity that hasn't even begun, like the time's it has already. For the times that I've refused to leave the house last minute becuase i've clocked my appearence in a full length mirror, for every night out that I refuse to take off my leather jacket in fear that my arms may offend someone. For the 12-year-old me that started wearing tummy control pants to school because she didn't want to be the fat friend. 

There are far worst things going on in the world in the world right now, and in retrospect, my issues with my appearance aren't even a spec on issues for females globally. But body confidence is something, that I believe should be spoken about by bloggers. Because sometimes, knowing the person who seems to be the most willing to put themselves out there has a bit of a cry over what they see in the mirror some nights. I don't expect my body issues to ever not be an aspect of my life but I hope in time they subside by each blog post.

So excuse the lack of blog photos this week, you now know why, and put your concentration to this gingham blouse. Bloody beautiful! P.S This is officially the retirement of my heart bag, no more will you see it on blog posts. I get it, I over did it.


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